Memories of a life time ago

Listening to Jon B "cool relax" album. I don't know how or why this seems to happen to me from time to time. Do I want to, no, I want to forget. I never really let anyone in. I guess from my perspective no one could amount to what I was feeling at this time. In this picture, if you can believe it I had 3 kids at this time and I was active so the weight was basically non-existent and boy do I miss my body back then. But I have learned to love my body the way God intended. I was hurt back then and I wrote a lot of poems about being hurt, betrayed, and left to fend for not only myself but my kids. I had become the sole breadwinner for my family overnight. I accepted the fact that my husband left me but he also left my kids. I tried to keep their relationship intact, but to no avail so I just stopped trying and my kids got to see what they saw with their own eyes. Was it hard on me, you better believe it, but I did not show my kids. Justin Timberlake 'cry me a river' was on replay and I had it on all the time. Then my best friend at the time gave me Robin Thicke's "The evolution of Robin Thicke" I never noticed just now she gave me that album, I guess because although my husband left me and our children I too was evolving into what? at the time I did not know. Then came Nick Lachey 'What's left of me" album. I immediately fell in love. It was like we both were experiencing pain from our significant other who promised to love us and cherish us through sickness and in health for richer or poorer till death do we part and I took those vows very seriously. I wanted our love story to last forever. I wanted us to be those old people still holding hands and giving each other tap kisses as the years went on. But once again there are no fairy tales. Just the hard reality. NOTHING LASTS FOREVER. People move on and start new families and forget about the other ones like they are disposable. That is how I felt all these years, DISPOSABLE. Such as ugly word. I guess that is why I put up with relationships I knew was never suited for me. I had to be in control since my life was not in control. I let my husband handle everything as he should have. I never thought I needed a backup plan. Like what for? Blame him I can no longer do. It is the past and the past can not control us, right? That is what everyone keeps telling me. I have dealt with guys who did not care for me. Whom I have gotten into shouting matches. Some of them were physical but none like the one I was supposed to be with. God has someone planned for me and if not just staying single is my path, I guess.. It would be nice to have someone to have at night, but that quickly fades away. I have a body pillow that does not talk back. Starts arguments and is cold at night so no night sweats. Being single has its advantages and disadvantages. But one thing is for sure. I took care of my children. Never ran away from them and that is all that matters at this time. So take your Jon B and your all-for-one and your Jerry Rivera and your Tego Caldron because I have mommy duties to attend to. I get to see my children graduate in spite of everything that has happened in their life. They did that in spite of a dad with a mom who learned with her kids and got into shouting matches they did that and are doing that. I get to watch them grow up and become somebody and make me proud. Because I am here today because of them. Ups downs good and bad we got each others back.